How to fix your posture at work

A foundational read for all Great Team Players

This one goes out to the habitual apologizers. You know the type: 

I’m sorry to be late

I’m sorry for the delay

I’m sorry if this is a dumb question

I’m sorry to bother

I’m sorry…

I know the type, that’s for sure. I’ve had a couple of direct reports with this tendency and I’ve made it my mission to help them break this habit. (They read this, and know I write on this topic with love, don’t worry!)

Excessively apologizing is a version of “minimizing,” that’s discussed in How Women Rise. And, as the book explains, when you minimize, you “make yourself smaller, [and] you send a subservient message to everyone in the room. This happens without you consciously meaning to do so.”¹ 

These spoken verbal tics effectively work to “minimize your presence, which serves to diminish your power.”²  → Yikes!

So seeing this behavior in the wild is a pet peeve that inspires my swift and passionate feedback, especially when demonstrated by highly capable, competent professionals.

But I also get it: it’s so easy to apologize, as it can be tempting to offer a concession. Now, some situations certainly warrant taking blame, but many apologies are made to cover innocuous behavior, and are frankly an unproductive use of your vocal energy. So, since I am based in America, and because this is my favorite week of the year, this week’s post is centered around the best antidote to this tendency, and that’s gratitude.

“Little phrases… little courtesies… oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life.”³

Recently I was in a meeting where an engineer kept apologizing for things large and small. Since I subscribe to the rule of thumb of not criticizing in public, I let the meeting play out, and watched the sorry-count scoreboard tick up. Afterward, I pulled them aside and said “you apologize a lot! Like a lot, a lot!...STOP.” They were dumbfounded, and perhaps rightly so. 

To note: I know them well, so this level of directness felt appropriate for the conversation, but with looser relationships I might want to couch the feedback for delivery. 

They also pushed back and clarified a bit: 

“I didn’t have the answer to the question,” 

“I had said we were going to hit a certain deadline and things shifted,” and 

“It seemed like they were frustrated.”  

“Totally,” I said, “...and ALSO…are those really things you need to be sorry about? You aren’t to blame, and the answers you didn’t have, you followed up with.” And continued: 

“Can I offer a suggestion?” (fortunately they said, “Sure!” otherwise you might not get this post) “Anytime you’re tempted to say ‘sorry,’ challenge yourself to replace it with ‘thank you’ instead” 

I would describe their expression to this recommendation as something between bewildered and skeptical. Either way, they shrugged, and said they’d give it a shot.

Before I relieve your curiosity about how this telenovela played out, I will share with you how I learned this lesson myself. It’s short and somewhat anticlimactic: I was on the subway, commuting to work one day, and I had to get past some people to get off at my stop. When I reached someone still standing in my way, I tapped their shoulder and said “Oh, I’m sorry, I need to get by.” When I got off the train, I realized: you know what? I’m not “sorry” I needed to get by to get off at my stop. And if anything, they should have been sorry for obstructing the exit path and did they (he!) apologize? Of course not. So at that moment I decided: next time I’m going to say “excuse me” instead. And thus began my great quest to find alternative words to “sorry” for every instance when I didn’t genuinely want to express regret. 

I came to realize that for interactions in the workplace, saying “thanks” and “thank you” as alternatives weren’t only suitable, they elevated my interactions and truly transformed my posture and the way I carried myself.

So back to the engineer. You better believe I was caught by surprise when they followed up later in the week and said: “I took your advice, and you should be so proud of my lack of apologies. I will say, it’s quite the tone shift!” and then my favorite part which - frankly was a new insight and articulation for me hear: 

“I realized that instead of seeking pity or forgiveness in an interaction, you’re praising the other person for a potential hardship - major or minor - that they may have experienced, related to your doing, or not. It shifts the conversations from “I shouldn’t have done that” to “great job handling that!” It was transformative.” 

We spent a few minutes geeking out on this tactic and all the different scenarios it could be applied to. (Obviously I got on my soapbox about how this swap dovetails into appreciation and its own value in the workplace) And in wrapping, the engineer remarked “Huh - it seems words are powerful…” 

I think I could have closed my computer right then and there; my work was done. Fin.

So “when you hear ‘I’m sorry’ falling too easily from your lips”⁴ I offer you the same challenge: find ways to swap a pointless apology for a moment of gratitude, or another more productive alternative: 

Thank you for your patience

One question to make sure we’re on the same page

Excuse me – 

Thank you for clarifying

By making this switch you can immediately change your posture from the defensive, to the proactive offensive. This stature brings you together with your stakeholders, instead of seeking their pity, or their forgiveness for something that warrants neither sorrow, nor sympathy.

Further, when you habitually apologize, they all start to sound the same, and so you lose distinction for the apologies that are actually warranted. In my opinion, that's the most important part of this lesson: when you truly need to express regret or sympathy, you want those statements to resonate. And to help ensure those remain special and full of meaning, it's best to reserve your 'sorrys' for the moments they're needed most.

So I send my gratitude to you, dear reader, for your support for What Would Dale Do? and I wish you a happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate.

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For more on maximizing your impact:

• Read: Presence, by Amy Cuddy

• Listen: “Your Insecurities Aren’t What You Think They Are” WorkLife with Adam Grant

For related reads on WWDD, check out Appreciation and Importance and Intention ≠ Impact. 

1. How Women Rise, Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith

2. How Women Rise

3. HTWFAIP, pg. 97

4. How Women Rise